


The glint in his eye has disappeared

by AwkwardGenZKid



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Anixety Disorder, Civil War, Depression, Insomnia, Isolation, Nightmares, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Pardoned, Post-Civil War, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Has A Heart, mental health
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-06-28 00:43:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15696687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwkwardGenZKid/pseuds/AwkwardGenZKid
Summary: It’s been a year since the civil war. Tony has been suffering terrible since and has barely been coping. His mental health has been getting worse and worse. With the help of his new team he was getting better, but when his ex-teammates get pardoned and are now living in the compound, how will Tony cope? Will he forgive them like they expect? Or will they realise they’ve gone too far?





	1. A year

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there!  
> This is my first fanfic ever and it was kinda an impulse decision.  
> Also so sorry the first chapters so short.  
> I hope you enjoy!  
> Xx

It’s been a year. 

A year full of regret, of pain, of remembering the people he wants called friends, the people he called family, remembering the bittersweet taste of betrayal in his mouth. 

Since the shield that was supposed to protect sliced through his armour, pushing metal into his chest, making it near impossible to breathe. Since he’d been abandoned in a forgotten Hydra base in Siberia.

A year full of nightmares, of nights where he can’t even blink without seeing his father’s face full of disappointment.A lot has changed in this year. He’s had to re-trust his real friends. He’s had to change as a person, open up more which at this point was near impossible for him. He tried though. He tried his hardest even if it wasn’t enough but sometimes he couldn’t do it. Sometimes he couldn’t tell people how he was feeling. The emotions were so strong they crashed over him like the oceans waves, struck him like lightning when he was least expecting it and even on his good days he was still feeling bad. Thats what happens when you get betrayed by the people you love and you watch your parents die and you find out your best friend kept it from you and when you got angry he left you to die. Not even looking back. Not once.

But although he may hold a grudge to them, although they may not be in his good books right now, although they may be the source of his nightmares the world still need them. That means that him and his new team have had to work their way to the government and somehow convince them to get his ex team pardoned back into the country. Although doing so made him Feel sick he had to suck it up and do it. Just like he’s had to his whole life.

At least he had a new team. An odd bunch of people with fucked-up pasts, The same as him. There is hope van Dyne also known as the Wasp. Tony and her used to be best friends with they were kids but their parents got into a fight which meant they couldn’t see each other any more. But even after all these years it seems their friendship never broke. There was the spider kid. A 16-year-old kid from Queens, who somehow got lucky and gained spider powers. The kid was basically a son to Tony and lord knows the kid needed it and god knows that Tony did too. Dr Stephen strange a.k.a. sorcerer supreme. Somehow gained magical powers, very powerful power at that and had somehow become Tony’s right-hand man. He was a straightforward kind of guy, went straight to the point but was still compassionate and cared. Something Tony was not used to. Carol Danvers a.k.a. Captain Marvel. She too had extraordinary powers. He and her weren’t as close as he was with the others but she was still a good friend that he trusted. She was like a mother hen to the group and she was needed more than anyone else. And last but not least Rhodey. His lifelong best friend. A colonel in the army, a strong, brave man who even though right now he was half paralysed from the waist down after an accident a year ago, Was almost completely better because he had determination that no one else in the team had. He was fit enough to fight and he was fit enough to get back into the suit even though everyone insisted he stay back and rest. He didn’t care and he didn’t listen. Everyone says he learned it from Tony. 

It was his new team, the team over the past year the Earth had learned to trust. Tony felt more excepted there than he ever did with the past avengers. But now his past was coming back to bite him. They were coming back and he’d have to learn to deal with them all over again. He knew it was for the sake of the world but God, if he keep them for away he would.

But, you can’t bargain the world, to please one man.


	2. When your brain is too loud, you can’t think

Currently, Tony was in his dimly lit bedroom. He was fiddling with the tie around his neck as if redoing it five times would delay the time the Ex-avengers took to get there. He heard the door open behind him but he was too tired to care who it was. He looked behind him through the mirror, getting curious, but just saw Rhodey. Rhodey just stared at him, amusement in his eyes but also a hint of concern. He had his hands linked together, his thumbs twiddling. It was obvious the man was nervous.

Tony took a deep shuttering breath as he said,  
“You alright honey bear?”  
Rhodey smirked,Obviously happy that Tony was at least talking.  
“I’m fine Tony,” he looked at Tony’s tie through the mirror. “Are you?”  
Tony took another deep breath, his hand finding its way to his ark rector which had been placed back into his chest a few months ago, tapping it repeatedly as he forced a smile and turned to his friend.  
“I’m doing alright.”  
Roadie nodded looking slightly unsure but overall satisfied with Tony’s answer.  
“They’ll be landing in a few minutes ya know? We should be there to..... greet them.”  
Rhodey griminced as he said the words, obviously dreading having to greet them as much as Tony was.  
“Ya, no I get it, I get it. I’ll be out in a minute, I just need a second.”  
Tony replied, using his hands to motion towards the door for his friend to leave.Rhodey smiled sympathetically, knowing Tony needed a minute and turned to leave.  
“Close the door behind ya munchkin!” Tony called as the door closed. He heard a brief laugh from behind it, and he could almost see Rhodey shaking his head. 

Tony turned back to the mirror running his hands through his hair as he felt his stress levels rise. He turned to his dresser, seeing his anxiety medication. He haden’t taken it yet today so might as well now. He walked over briskly, opened the pill bottle and put two into his hand. His daily dose. He put them in his mouth and swallowed them dry, going back to the mirror, as if the pills have changed the way he looked. He pulled at his sleeve cuffs and re-adjusted his tie for the sixth time. He took yet another deep breath as he walked away and went to the door. He glanced at the room one last time as he left, dread already settling in his stomach.At least he have his team by his side though, that’s all he needed.

He walked to the common room to be greeted with the sight of his teammates. The were chattering away and when he entered the chattering didn’t stop, in fact it increased as people greeted him with bright smiles and genuine eyes. With his time with the ex avengers whenever he entered the room the laughter and chatter would stop, they’d stare at him in silence and laugh once he left, as if he were just some inside joke to them. He also saw the clothes his friends are wearing. Strange was wearing his usual attire, his blue outfit with his red, levitation cloak who is nearly always with Tony and clung to him whenever possible. No one really understood why but the cloak loved him. Peter was in a smart looking outfit. He had dress pants and a loose white button up shirt with the sleeves halfway rolled up. With his wide smile,it just completed the look. Carol was in her normal avengers attire as well. Blonde hair tied into a tight bun though which was different. Hope was wearing red jeans with a black button up top tucked in and a red jacket thrown on top. She had her black hair tied up and was wearing black high heels. Tony himself had been wearing black dress pants, a normal comic top and a suit jacket to top it off. It was a classic Tony Stark look.

They smiled at him encouragingly as Strange walked over and grabbed his shoulder and said “You ready buddy? Rhodes is already waiting for them outside.” Tony nodded, not trusting his voice but smiling none the less. As they left, he felt Peter walk up on his right and grab his hand. Peter whispered to him “Mr Stark, I’m scared to see them again, and I know you are too, but we are here for you.” Tony turned to look at him as peter smiled sheepishly. He through his arm around him, catching peter off guard. “Thanks kid.” He whispered to him. At peters words, he did feel better knowing he wasn’t the only scared one. Maybe he could so this. Maybe he had it in him.

Tony went outside with this team as the jet landed around 7 yards away from them, the jet looked eerily similar to the Quinjet. He felt peter lean into his ear and whisper “Colour?” Ah yes, the colour scheme. While Tony had been in hospital getting his arc reactor back into his chest, him and peter created a colour scheme so Tony only had to say one colour to show what he was feeling.  
Green=Good to go  
Yellow=uneasy but ok  
Blue=extremely uncomfortable, get me out of here.  
Violet=Having a panic attack/depressive episode.  
Pink=Problems with chest  
Red=Need to be alone right now but should be ok

“Um, yellow kid.” Tony whispered back, playfully pushing peter away. He heard peter giggle softly. His team were stood in a line, standing straight and ready. Tony felt Strange’s cloak wrap it self around his shoulders and he held back a chuckle. He heard Strange huff with annoyance and couldn’t hold back a brief, victory grin. He saw the jet doors open slowly and he could feel his chest tightening up, his hand went back to tapping at his ark reactor, he felt his back start tingling and his neck itch. As the jet door completed its way to the ground he saw a familiar face start walking out. A face that made Tony’s blood freeze. 

Steve Rogers smiled as he saw Tony but all Tony could see was a murderous frown from back in Siberia. As Tony blood froze, suddenly he himself was back in Siberia. He was watching a man he barely knew punch his fathers face in and choke his innocent mother. His warm, kind mother. One of the only women he’s ever loved. The women who told Tony when he was a child that she wanted to die with the only man who ever loved him and that that man was her Anthony. He felt anger and desperation in his vains and he attacked Bucky. He barely remembered the fight but he remembered the shied. Oh god the shied. Steve brought it down on his chest and he couldn’t breath. O god he couldn’t breath........

“......ony? Tony? Your not in Siberia. You’re home at the compound. Your safe. Tony?”  
Suddenly Tony felt arms on his shoulder shaking him .He looked up to see Stranges face was talking to him. He barely noticed his hands severely shaking and his lack of breathe, he felt dizzy and sick as he stared into Stephens blue eyes. “Blue a-a-and v-violet.” He heard himself say, voice scratchy and raw, his stuttering surprised himself. He briefly heard peter say “I’ll bring him to the board room. Stall them then meet us there.” He felt himself be dragged by the shoulder away. The cloak around his shoulders seemed to tighten and to Tony it felt hug, a warm, comforting hug. Of course it wasent a real one, and it wasent anything like a real, meaningful, human hug, but right now it’ll do. His feet were carrying him somewhere and he hoped it was somewhere safe. Somewhere people wouldn’t hurt him. Maybe where shields where banned. He giggled at that thought which gave him a worried look from peter. He felt himself be brought to a room and sat down at a table. Wait table? ‘Oh ya,’ he thought bitterly. ‘Board room.’ He saw peter on his knees in front of his, his hands holding his and rubbing circles into Tony’s thumb knuckles. Peter began talking about school and life at home with May, about some muggers he caught the other day and he kept talking until the hazy look in Tony’s eye disappeared. He smiled at peter and got an even brighter one back. Tony nearly wished he was as innocent and hopeful as peter was but Tony knew at this point it was never gonna happen. So it stayed just that..... a wish.  
Peter got up and sat on the chair on his right, still holding his hand softly.

Then the bored room doors opened, and all peace in the room disappeared.


	3. Introducing the past to the present.

Peters hand left Tony’s, knowing Tony would be embarrassed enough as it is by his little freak out. He noticed Strange sit to his left, Hope sat beside peter and carol sat beside Strange. Rhodey sat at the top of one end the table beside Hope. Steve sat opposite Tony, Wanda to strange, Bucky to peter, Natasha to Carol and Clint to hope. Sam sat opposite Rhodey. Rhodey smiled at Sam to prove he had no grudge against him. Sam hesitantly smiled back, obviously nervous. Rhodes cleared his throat to gather everyone’s attention. 

“Welcome back avengers. These are your new team mates, please respect them and listen to them and please try your hardest not to anger them, because believe me, they will not go easy on you. This is Carol Danvers, aka, Captain Marvel. Dr Stephen Strange, aka, sorcerer supreme. You guys know Tony.” Rhodey glared at Rogers when he mentioned Tony as Steve had not stopped looking at him since entering the room and when seemingly called out for it, his face morphed into one of a kicked puppy. Unfortunately, Rhodey didn’t see Tony flinch and look at the table at hearing his name. “Peter Parker, aka, Spider-Man. And hope van dyne, aka, the wasp. They know all of you, obviously, so no need to introduce your selves.” He added that last part as he saw Steve begin opening his month, already knowing he was gonna act like the world doesn’t know who he is.”Any questions so far?”

Wanda spoke up after a moment of silence “Where’s Vision?” She looked disappointed, clearly wanting to have been able to see her past lover. ‘ Didn’t she have a German accent last time he saw her? Wow they’ve influenced her a lot apparently.’ Tony thought to himself. He looked up from the table when he heard so one say anything. He realised everyone’s eyes were on him for her answer. He concealed a flinch by quickly straightening his back. “Um he, he’s went traveling. Something about wanting to find his place in the world and the only way to do that was to see it. We don’t know exactly where he is but he’s keeping us updated and, uh, he’s, he’s ok. Ya.” Tony replied, mentally hitting himself for stuttering. Wanda glared at him but seemed satisfied with the answer. Clint spoke up next. 

“Spider kid, how old are you exactly?” He questioned.  
“Oh, um, I just turned sixteen, Mr Barton.” Peter said, already dreading the reaction to his age and the fact he was fifth teen when he fought the rouges. He looked at the shocked faces of the avengers. He saw most of them turn to Tony with murderous glares while others kept staring, seeming quite impressed that a fifteen year old could fight the avengers and live to tell the tale.  
“Wow Stark, real responsible of you, bringing a child into a battle.” Clint scoffed at Tony. He watched as Tony flinched and caved into himself, tapping the ark rector again which caught the attention of Steve. Clint looked a little worried for a moment but quickly covered it up by rolling his eyes. Before Tony could say anything to defend himself, peter caught their attention again with a scoff similar to clints.  
“Wow Mr Barton, real responsible of you, leaving your family for a battle that wasn’t yours to fight.” Peter snapped at him, glaring at Clint, daring him to say something else. Clint glared right back, looking like he wanted to say something, as the others looked on in shock. He didn’t stop glaring at Clint until he felt Tony put his hand on his shoulder.  
“Calm down kid,” Tony said, smirking proudly. “Colour?”  
Peter giggled and smirked right back. “Green, Mr Stark.”  
“Tony.” Tony corrected.  
“Ok,Mr Stark.” Peter replied cheekily.

Tony patted his shoulder again before turning his attention to the Rouges again. He saw there impressed and annoyed faces and held back a laugh. God, these people really think he had no heart didn’t they? Well Tony couldn’t wait to prove them wrong. He saw Steve regain composure and asked, quite loudly in his ‘I’m Captain America, I sacrificed my self to save humanity, bow down to me’ voice.  
“Um, Tony, I can’t help but notice you have your arc rector back in again, why.....why is that?”

The room went silent, Tony’s face dropped as his blood froze again. Thankfully Peter realised quickly as his breathing started shaking and grabbed his hand to ground him. He heard Hope answer for him, annoyance but patience in her voice.

“Around 11 months ago, Tony had to get it placed back in as in the month previous, during battle, the metal from his suit and been smashed and brutally forced into his chest, puncturing his lungs and causing his heart to stop producing blood. He was rushed into surgery and the only they could stop the metal going through his completely was place placing the arc rector back in. It is helping keep Tony alive so please try and avoid damaging it.” 

She purposely stared at Steve and Bucky during her speech. Bucky began to cower under her gaze while Steve looked mortified, obviously knowing she was talking about him, but he kept his head high and kept eye contact with her until he nodded his head in understanding and began staring at the table like Tony had previously done. Tony looked over at her and their eyes locked for a moment, but in that moment it was like everything that needed to be said was said. He nodded at her, a silent thank you. She just smiled a pleasant smile.

“Alright,” Rhodey said loudly, taking people by surprise. Rhodey has a stack of papers and was straightening them out by banging them on the table. “You all just need to sign these and while you are doing that I will be going over the new rules of the compound.” There were a few groans of protest, especially from Rogers team but after a particular icy glare from Rhodes they shut up. Strange used his magic to pass the papers out with pens to everyone by a simply flick of his wrist. If Tony hadn’t spent the last few months surrounded by his magic he would have probably been just as awe-struck and impressed as the Rouges, but this was an everyday occurrence for Tony. He smirked at them, amusement in his face as he realised that these “terrifying” people, these protectors, got just as destracted as normal people did. Of course though, Natasha kept a straight face and simply looked fed up. Tony watched as Wanda looked down at her hands and back up at Strange, clearly not used to having someone as powerful as her in the room. Strange glances around at them all, loving the fact they could be so easily impressed.

“Now, rules.” Rhodey began, earning a few disappointed moans at that. “Rule number one, there are areas you are not permitted to enter. This includes the east west wing, Peters lab, Tony’s lab and Carols gym. There are other rooms but FRIDAY will tell you once youre all settled down-“ before Rhodey could continue, he saw Sam hesitantly raise his hand a bit. Rhodey nodded at him, giving him permission to speak.  
“Before, we were allowed to go into all labs, why aren’t we now? And why does......Carol? Ya, why does Carol get her own gym?”  
“Well,” Tony began talking, taking Rhodey by surprise. “My lab and Peters lab are closed off as we don’t want our inventions and such get damaged, but if we want you too or you have to enter, we can give you permission. And Carol gets her own gym as she is stronger than anyone in this room, including Rogers, so we decided it would be best to avoid her accidentally destroying something we all use. If she wants she can let other people use it but that’s up to her. That all?” Tony spoke fast but clearly, getting fed up of all the constant questions. Sam nodded in understanding and smiled sadly at Tony, sensing that Tony was uncomfortable. Tony nodded and smiled back, hoping his smile said ‘I forgive you, it’s not your fault.’ By Sams thankful expression he guesses he got it through. Feeling a bit more confident he turned to Rhodey, cheeky smirk in place. “Continue Honeybear.” He made a gesture with his hands to continue. Rhodes chuckled lightly as he began again. 

“Rule number too, you must attend training sessions. They are every Monday and Thursday at 10am to 2:30pm. Anyone who does not attend will face consequences unless you have a good excuse. Rule three, you may leave the compound whenever you please but you must tell FRIDAY incase of an emergency. Rule four, weapons are not permitted to use , unless the situation calls for it. That is about it so if you would pass the papers back up to me that would be great, and then you can all begin moving in. Your belongings are already back in your rooms, your rooms are in the same places as they were when you left, not much has changed for them except maybe a paint job and a change of bed sheets.” Rhodey finished, slightly proud of himself for finishing his speech with no more interruptions. Everyone happily past the sheets with their signatures on back up to Rhodey. 

Everyone began to get up and leave, but as Tony was leaving he heard Steve call his name,  
“Tony, can we talk? Just for a minute?” He asked, his puppy dog eyes kicking in. Tony turned to him, he had to physically hold back a frustrated sigh. He looked at Rogers with an unimpressed look.

“Ya know Rogers, i’d really rather not right now. Maybe later or something ok.” The room was nearly empty, bar Tony and Steve. Tony could hear Hope and Strange outside the door talking, obviously waiting for him. Tony looked at the door longingly, and he glanced at Steve with an apologetic smile and turned to leave. He had thought he had handled it well and maturely and almost felt like Steve listened to him for once, until he felt Steve grab his arm and try to pull him back into a conversation. 

Suddenly Tony wasn’t in the board room anymore. He was in an Afghanistan cave being yanked back out of the water he was forced into. He could almost feel the water dripping from his face as he took in as many deep breath as possible. He prepared himself to be dunked back into the water, forced to inhale more until he was on the brink of death. 

“Tony?” He heard distantly, sounding muffled. He noticed he was the bored room again with something warm gripping his arm. He didn’t feel safe but he was ok. His face wasent wet, that’s a good sign at least. He stared at the warm thing gripping his arm and realised it was a hand. He followed the hand, looking at the face of the owner of said hand. That face familiar.....

Tony severely flinched, yanking his arm back and pulling it towards his chest while hitting Steve’s hand away. Tony glared at him furiously as he said, with as much malice in his tone as possible,  
“Don’t ever touch me again.”  
He ignored Steve’s kicked puppy dog look as he turned and stormed out of the room. He stormed past Strange and Hope and they looked at each other in confusion, before looking into the room and seeing Steve. They glared at him with as much fury as Tony had as they ran up to catch up and be beside Tony.

Steve looked on in confusion. His jaw went slack as he realised, maybe he really did mess up this time.


	4. Calm before the storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guy!  
> Just wanted to say thanks for pointing out words I have misused.  
> Sorry about that, I’m sure it was annoying to see me misusing words but I never notice them until they are pointed out. I hope I haven’t misused any in this chapter.  
> Any way thank you!!  
> Xx

The Rouges had been at the compound for two days now. During those two days, Tony has been stayed cooped up in his lab, he hadn’t slept a wink and was living off coffee and granola bars. He was in the middle of making a brand-new suit, one more powerful than any of them but he knew at the end of the day he would dismantle it and re-do it all over again. At this point it was routine. He would create something, then take it apart and recreate it. It was a distraction some would say, it was a hobby others would. But it wasn’t really either, not to Tony. It was an excuse. And a pretty good one at that. No one could tell Tony to stop creating things, to stop creating things that saved the world, no one could tell them that. So yeah, it was a pretty good excuse.Well, until Monday that is.

The banging on the glass door to Tony’s lab echoed around the eerily quiet room. Tony was currently lounging on the couch in the corner nursing a cup of coffee and looking at projects on his Stark tablet. He looked up through the glass door to see Natasha staring at him. When they made eye contact she smiled softly. Tony groaned, not wanting to move from his comfortable spot. He sluggishly and slowly got up out of his seat and placed his now cold coffee on the workbench along with his tablet. He called out “Friday, open doors baby girl.”

“Yes sir.” The robotic voice replied, allowing the glass doors to slide open easily.Natasha strolled, her high heels clicking against the tile floor. She glanced around the room, quickly taking in everything there until her eyes landed on Tony. She turned her body to the side slightly as she said to him,  
“C’mon Stark, we’ve got training and we’re already late.”  
She turned and started walking away, Tony speedwalking after her, his legs shaking slightly from lack of use and adrenaline from caffeine.  
“How did you know I was down here not there?”  
he asked genuinely curious.  
She rolled her eyes playfully ,  
“Stark, I have lived with you for years. I know when you forget something.”she cockily replied.  
He raised his eyebrows and nodded understandingly, smirking slightly. They walked to the gym together, not saying a word, occasionally glancing at each other, finding comfort in each other’s company. Although Tony still did not trust her, he found her a lot more comforting than the others.

He pushed on the gym doors, on the left side of the room he saw the team he liked to call family. They were chattering away and laughing loudly, completely oblivious to the glares they’re getting from the other side of the room.The right side of the gym held the Rouge avengers. Half of them were glaring at the sight of people enjoying themselves and the other half were warming up for training. As he entered some people from the right side turned to look at him, not glaring but staring nonetheless. Tony got a very loud greeting from the left side of the room. They were calling him over to them and when he walked towards them, they patted him on the back and said good luck. They invited him into the conversation, not even hesitating to do so. Soon, Tony found him self laughing along with his team to a joke Peter told that Strange just didn’t understand. They barely realised that the other team had stopped what they were doing and just stared at them, half in shock that Tony could even smile, as Tony never smiled like that around them, and half furious that Tony had the nerve to move on from them.

Once Tony’s team had recovered from the laughing fit, Carol patted him on the back and she went up to the top of both groups and announced loudly,  
“Ok guys, listen up! First things first, our first training exercise for today was given by director Fury. It’s sparring. Not that surprising or hard as all of you at one point has done it. He also already picked the teams of two. It is just for today’s training exercise and they will be changed in the future. It is just for today. So the teams are,  
Me and Wanda. Hope and Bucky. Strange and Steve. Peter and Clint. Rhodey and Natasha. And Tony and Sam. You will be going in that order.” She smirked at Wanda, making her cower slightly under her gaze. “Let’s begin.”

Wanda slowly walked up to Carol, red sparks already flying out of her hands. Carol didn’t even look fazed, in fact she looked unimpressed. There fight went on for about ten minutes and only finished because Wanda used her powers to keep carol in the air, making her unable to fight properly. They shook hands politely as they went back to their respected teams. Hope won against Bucky, Strange won against Steve, Peter won against Cling and Natasha won against Rhodey.

Tony looked over at Sam, his team were cheering him on. Sam looked confident. He looked over at Tony and made ey contact for a few seconds. He smiled and nodded, Tony nodded back in acknowledgement. They walked up to the space they were supposed to fighting in and they shook hands. “Good luck.”Sam whispered to Tony. “You too Flying eagle.” Tony whispered back smiling slightly at the chuckle Sam gave. They got into their fighting stances until Sam realise Tony didn’t have his armor on. It seems Sam wasn’t the only one who noticed.  
“Uh, Tony? Where’s your armour?” Steve shouted over to them. Tony looked around and his eyes narrowed as he stared back at Sam, he tapped his arc rectortwice and all of a sudden his suit started flowing over him like water, it went all around his body and soon clasped his helmet over his head.  
“Ready!” He shouted, knocking everyone out of the trance they were in after watching Tony’s armour appear.  
Amazed Tony could make metal.....do that.  
“Go!” Carol shouted, the fight beginning instantly. They flew at each other in unison and crashed together. Tony fired a repulser at him but Sam dodged easliy. Sam punched Tony in the head, knocking his face plate off, to fall to the ground. Tony froze for a minute, this situation feeling oddly familiar but soon knocked him self out of it and punched Sam just as hard, causing him to fall to the ground briefly before flying back up. They just kept on punching each other as Tony saw it useless to use his repulsers, as no matter how many times he used them, Sam seemed to be able to dodge. That was until Sam punched him particularly hard which cause Tony to fall onto the ground. He was in a daze for a second as he felt a weight sit on top of him. He blinked slowly at the person on top of him, the light shining down from the top of the room made it so Tony couldn’t see a face but simply saw a silhouette. Tony seemed to forget that he was in battle at the moment with Sam,not having a flashback thankfully but still feeling extremely unsafe right now and he heard himself say “please don’t hurt me again.” He saw Sam flinch and leap off of him. He instantly felt awful, knowing it wasn’t Sams fault. He sat up abruptly, seeing the entire avengers team run up to him.  
“I’m sorry Sam, it’s not your fault, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.......” Tony heard himself say. He prepared himself for Sam to apologise for nothing, for him to look guilty and sympathetically at him, but surprisingly he didn’t.  
“S’alright man, it ain’t your fault either.” Tony looked up in shock and saw Sams hand out stretched to help pull Tony up.  
“Thanks Bridy.” Tony smiled at him, he felt as though he could trust Sam, so he took the outstretched hand and let himself be pulled up. Sam patted him on the back and whispered “Good fight dude. Can’t wait to see you back on the field.” He turned back to his team as they congratulated him on his win. Tony felt happy for Sam, Sam won fair and square and he looked fucking delighted with himself. He let his team hug him not even caring that he lost.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

It had been less than 24 hours since that fight and Tony was in the middle of dismantling a car in his lab when Friday alerted him that Pepper had entered his lab. He turned around just as Pepper had rounded the corner and saw him. He got up and walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her waist.  
“Why hello my beautiful angel. Why have you graced me with your presence?”  
Pepper rolled her eyes playfully as she gripped his arms. She smiled briefly before her look turned serious.  
“Tony, director fury has gotten in contact with me. One of the Rouges were concerned for you and had alerted Fury of your.......episodes. He is worried about your health, mental health in fact. He says you need to open up to the Rouges more.”  
Tony’s mouth opened and closed, not knowing what to say. Finally, he found his words after a silent minute.  
“How? I know they’re going to make me do some team bonding shit that I don’t want to do, so spit it out. What do they want me to do?”  
Pepper sighed unhappily.  
“It’s not team bonding. It’s a once a month “circle time” as he called it. You just talk about something serious and anyone can add their input whenever they want.”  
Tony looked at her is disbelief.  
“So, your telling me, Eyepatch wants me to open up to the people who betrayed me. About personal stuff? He does remember all the shit they did and what they did to me doesn’t he? I can’t...... talk to them. I can’t Pep. Please, don’t make me.”  
Tony’s voice has became quieter and quieter as he continued, his voice thick with emotion. He bowed his head to hide his face, to hide his eyes that had began watering. Pep sighed and put his head into her neck, kissing his forehead.  
“I’m sorry love, but I have no say in the matter.” She whispered, knowing her words weren’t bringing any comfort but hoping her presence and tone would keep him calm. Thankfully it did, as after a few minutes with Tony’s head burrowed into her shoulder, he straightened up.  
“When? When are doing this shit?” He asked, sniffing after talking.  
“I’m sorry baby but.....tonight. 7-9. I’m sorry.” She responded, seeing his grief stricken face and felt her heart drop. He nodded silently and turned away from her.  
“I’ll be there.” He said quietly, walking back to the car he was working on.  
Pepper left the lab, wanting to stay and comfort Tony but knowing he needed to be alone right now. She was going to be at the “circle time” thing tonight as well, to “mind tin man” as Fury had so delicately put it. 

Back in the lab, Tony has his head in his hands. ‘He could do this’ he thought. He just had to be careful. Just a few more hours. He could do this.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

At exactly 6:55pm, pepper had come to collect Tony from his lab. He looked like he had a shower so at least he had that going for him. He felt like a child, being dragged from his lab to go to a “circle time.” I mean who the fuck does circle time anymore? Might as well call it group therapy, even though Tony knew that tonight was gonna be about him after all his episodes. God he could do this, couldn’t he?

He entered the common room, where the session would start, and saw his “family” like team on one end, lounging on the L shaped couch and the Rouges sitting stiffly on armchairs and love-seats. Everyone seemed to stare at him as he made his way to the empty seat beside Hope, which was right in the corner of the L couch.

Everyone was on edge.  
What secrets would be spilled?  
And what questions would be answered?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be explaining a lot of Tonys life before Iron man and I’m hoping on making that along one as my chapters so far haven’t been that long.  
> Xx


	5. Secret spilled and stained perspectives

Everyone’s got their secrets. Everyone’s got stuff they’re not proud of that they’d rather keep to themselves. That they would rather not share. Some people secrets are worse than others but that does not make them bad people.Obviously, depending on the secret you could even say they are strong. Sometimes, it is hard to keep a secret with you for so long. And sometimes you end up telling people. Some secrets are kept secrets for a reason. Maybe because the person thinks that if they share the secret everyone would judge them or to keep others safe, but when the truth comes out it always does more harm than good. And this, this bonding session, could let out every secret Tony had kept.

“So,” he said loudly, catching everyone’s attention. He shifted slightly under everyone’s gaze before putting on his signature smile. “Which one of you snitched to Fury?”  
“Tony.” Pepper interrupted, glancing at Tony.  
“No no no. Fury doesn’t just make decisions without reason. I’ve been on the field and I’ve been behaving which means someone in this room went to him and convinced I’m unstable and need to ‘open up more’. So come on. Own up now. We all know what happens when you keep from me.” He glared at Rogers slightly. . They looked around at each other trying to figure out who it was. 

Steve slowly and hesitantly raised his hand. Tony scoffed, not surprised.  
“Of course, of fucking course-“  
“I was worried about you. You kept on freaking out when you were with us. I had my reasons Tony.” Steve interrupted. Tony’s team glared at Steve while Hope put her hand in front of Tony to make sure he didn’t get up and beat the hell out of Steve.  
“Oh you were worried about me now? Since when did you start caring about me. It certainly wasent in the past 3 years. No definitely not because you don’t keep secrets and lie to people you care about. Wanna know why I freak out in front of your team? Maybe it’s because every time I see you, every time I think about you, suddenly I’m not here anymore. I’m in the Siberian bunker we’re you ABANDONED ME IN watching you put your shield INTO MY FUCKING CHEST! I was in that bunker for 8 hours before I was found. It’s a miracle I’m still alive. And I know your all probably very upset over that fact and IM SORRY THAT IM THE ONE WHO FUCKED UP AND RUINED EVERYTHING! I KNOW THAT. IM SORRY!” Tony huffed, feeling hot and uncomfortable. He stared at the horrified faces of the Rouges team. Steve and Bucky looking ashamed of them selves. He flinched when Hope put her hand on his shoulder comfortingly but did the opposite as Tony began spiralling again. 

He rushed to leave the room but just before he left he felt a hand grab his wrist. He yanked it back to his chest and looked to see Pepper looking hurt by Tony’s reaction  
“Tony, please sit down and just talk to us.” She begged. Tony looked around at his teams faces seeing the same pleading look in their eyes. He nodded silently and sat on the floor in front of pepper. He slumped over holding back tears as Pepper carded her fingers through his hair. Everyone waited patiently for him to speak. They waited for 5 minutes before Tony began, staring at the floor with no expression on his face.

“ I was a mistake you know. I was never supposed to be born. Howard liked to remind me that all the time. I mean I believe my mother loved me. Maybe not as much as she should’ve, maybe not like a son but she loved me. In some sort of way. Bac-back then when I was a child it was normal for kids to get a slap on the cheek or a slap on the wrist.But Howard always liked to go the extra mile for discipline. You know that when I was four I built a circuit board and if I was a normal child with normal parents that would’ve been amazing and my parents would’ve been proud and amazed but not Howard." Tony let out a forceful chuckle, ignoring the looks of concern the team through his way. He felt Peppers hands slowly begin to comb his hair gently. "No it wasent good enough for him. I was always supposed to be doing more than what I was doing. He threw the circuit board away in front of me and just screamed at me that I should be doing more and that I was so stupid for thinking that it was worth wasting my time building it and his time showing it. That’s- that’s why I don’t like showing my inventions, because anyone could be Howard. When I was five, I think, Howard called me into his lab. I finally thought to myself that he is excepting me as his son and showing me his work. Spoiler alert, I was wrong. He brought me down, spoke to me nicely for once then he asked me to help him a project. obviously I agreed. He asked me to hold something, something very important. He put a scorching hot metal into my hands. I screamed but he said if I let it go that he would hurt me more than he’s ever done before. So I held onto that scorching hot metal before finally Jarvis came and upon hearing my screams of agony and picked me up and took me away." Tony rubbed his hands together, feeling the deep scars still etched into his skin. He can still smell the faint scent off burning flesh filling his nose. "I remember hearing Howard screaming at him later on Ana bandaged my hands. I still have the scars by the way in case you are wondering. No one ever believed me when I told that story but I have scars to prove it, but back then that wasent real proof. I never showed Howard the engine I built when I was six. I was too scared. I showed my mother though and she was proud although she may have been pretending it felt good to be told I was doing a good job. That went on for a few years,me hiding projects I done from Howard and only showing my mother and Jarvis and Anna." Tony buried his head in his hands for a few seconds, his heart aching for a hug from Jarvis and Ana's warm, fresh cookies. "Howard hurt me a lot and forced me to drink his alcohol. Huh, by the time I was 10 I was an alcoholic. When I was eleven, Howard got worse. He never cared about anyone. I don’t think there was a day we’re I wasent slapped or left bleeding on the bathroom floor. Huh, kinda reminds of similar situation. I was alone so I took comfort in the moon. I know, sound ridiculous, childish. But the moon understood what it meant to be human. Uncertain, alone. Crafted by imperfections. Everything I was, the moon was. Everyone was too scared to confront Howard and I’m sure some teachers realised but they couldn’t take legal action against the billionaire Howard Stark. At 15 he shipped me off to MIT. I hated it. I was a 15 year old billionaire in a school filled with 18 year old kids who loved money. They’d trick me into going to party’s and......other stuff that I didn’t like. God, I wish my first kiss was as innocent as I was. I had one friend and that was Rhodey but I knew he had friends his age, same hobbies and nicer than me that he would prefer to hang with than some spoiled 15 year old. He nice to me though. The first nice person I’d ever met, and I'm so thankful for him." Rhodes flashed a sad smile to Tony, who gave one back in return. "And it is easy to let someone in when you don’t have anyone anymore. It’s awfully easy to accept a guest into an empty home. When I turned 16 and was home one day for that holidays or something, Howard decided to get really fucking drunk. I was doing homework in the kitchen. I wasent doing anything I swear. He came in and I don’t remember a whole lot of what happened but I woke up on the kitchen floor. My arm was broken, my back was bleeding because at some point he took a belt to it. My head was bleeding. I woke up in a puddle of my own blood. I didn’t tell anyone. Not my mother not Jarvis not Anna. Because I knew they wouldn’t do anything about it and I was tired of being patched up again just to be hurt more later on. I stayed silent. Patched myself up for once. The worst part about it was I didn’t feel the pain. I used to but in that moment I didn’t and that’s when I realised I didn’t want to live this life any more. I didn’t wanna wake up in the morning dreading going downstairs or even being in the house because I knew he was in the house and I knew at any moment he could burst through the door and ruin me all over again. I was dying to hear someone say that I didn’t need to be perfect, that I was enough and it was okay. But I looked around and saw no one. I didn’t wanna feel the bruises On my body any more or the blood making my hair clumpy.So once I patched myself up I went to the bathroom and I ran a bath. It wasn’t warm and it wasnt cold it was just mediocre and I took some pills from the cabinet. Any pills I could’ve found. And I got into the bath still fully clothed swallowed two bottles worth of pills, swallowed them with my moms vodka and took a razor from my fathers shaver and Ummm............ I woke up two days later in hospital and the first face I saw was Rhodey. And the first thing I said to him was ‘why did you save me?’ My Dad came in with my mom. You’d think he’d be happy I was alive but no. I remember he said “seriously? Wow, you really are a failure. I mean, you failed dying. That’s as bad it gets.” And then he left. Turns out Rhodey had come to visit me and he was the one who found me. He saved me. And even to this day I wish he hadn’t. I was depressed for years and years I never got medication for it and I never told anyone about it because I learned you don’t show people things. I isolated myself, I was lucky Rhodey stayed but even he left for a while. I don’t blame him for it either. I’m a challenge but the thing with pushing people away is your not aloud to be surprised when it works.Then my parents died and I had a sense of relief. I mean I didn’t have to deal with Howard any more and didn’t have to worry about getting a black eye or a broken rib anymore. But my mother.....my mother did not deserve it. I got worse. I had Rhodey though. Thank god for him. But I didn’t have a family and I didn’t have friends. I guess I’ve always alone. Then I met you guys. I met a team that I called family. I trusted you and wanted to keep you safe. I fucked up at that I know. I built things to keep you safe and it destroyed us. Maybe I ruined everything, ruined the only family I’d ever had. Maybe I am as much of a failure as Howard said I was. But i tried to be good. I tried to be everything my father wasent. I guess I succeeded.......kinda. I know you all think I’m cold but I’m not. Im just a man who lost everything I was trying to protect. I’m sorry. Ya know, I haven’t had a peaceful night sleep since New York. Nightmares. They’ve gotten worse but that’s life I guess.Panic attacks everyday. I’m sure it’s not healthy but nothing I do is. I mean now I have a team who has my back, who I love and trust and want to keep safe but I did that with my last team and we all saw how that played out. Something I did, or something I saw made me this way. And I am not a happy person. I.....I have felt heartbreak. It feels a lot like darkness and I’ve been in the dark for a long time. But I’ll get through it by myself. Just like I always do.”

There was a heavy silence covering the room. You could hear teammates silently crying. Hands covering mouth’s as they stared at Tony in horror. As for Tony himself he was scaring everyone because he hadn’t moved inch during his speech,still staring at the ground with no emotion in his face. He was crying heavily although he didn’t make a sound. People stared as Peter let out a heart wrenching sob, barely covering his mouth and time.

"There. Was that open enough for you now?"

Tony got up, stumbling slightly as he struggled to keep himself upright. He made his way to the door To leave and no one had the heart to stop him.  
“Do.....d-do we g-go to?” Peter asked.  
Rhodey cleared his throat.

“I,um,I actually wanted to speak with everyone for a minute. T-Tony has not had an easy life. He was an adult by the time he was 4. He started having nightmares at I think 7 he told me. My m-mother used to say the day a child loses his dreams is the day he becomes an adult. He was..... he was really hurt by what in Siberia. And Steve you may be over it, but us a-and Tony are not. He suffered alone and the ones who suffer the most are the ones left behind and Steve, you left. When he came back from the hospital he asked where everyone was. We told him you’d all left and.........you could pinpoint the exact moment his heart ripped in half. We couldn’t talk about it without him shutting down. Back in MIT, after his.....attempt, he didn’t care himself anymore,but he cared about others. He would go out of his way to save someone, even though he knew he could not save himself. That was the only humanity he had left in himself. Other than that all he felt was numb. He’s got a good heart ya know. It’s just been broken a lot. When we were teens I asked him what he wanted to do when he was older. Despite what had happened to him he smiled and said one day he would save the world. And he did and he doesn’t realise he has. Man, he just told you guys his life story. And the saddest part about his story, is that he never had a happy beginning, happy middle or happy ending. I’m gonna check on him.” 

Rhodey left in a hurry, swiping the back of his hand on to his face to wipe at the tears that escaped from his eyes. One by one the team slowly left the common room, going to their bedrooms. Some went to cry, others went to re-evaluate but everyone in the compound at that moment was in pain.

The truth hurts, but this one was agony.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m really proud of this chapter so I hope you enjoy this.  
> I am currently writing another fic so that’s my reason for this delayed update.  
> Xx


	6. Wishing for silence, missing the chaos

Steve stood outside Tony’s lab. He peered in through the glass doors, but the lights were off so he couldn’t see that well. But he knew Tony was in there because soon after there ‘circle time’ three days ago, he heard FRIDAY alert Rhodey and Pepper that Tony was in the lab if they needed him. He hasent come out since. What could Steve say, he was worried, but he was really starting to regret telling fury about the situation. But how could he have known that fury would force them to seriously talk to each other. He had just hoped that fury would get someone he talk to Tony and convince him to trust the team. Of course, fury really doesn’t do the expected. 

Steve huffed as he absentmindedly tapped the glass door. He couldn’t help but think over the words Tony’s spoke. The words that held no emotion, like he had told this story a thousand times already. When Steve got no reaction from inside the lab, he turned and began walking away, but before he could go back upstairs he heard a light switch on. He turned back to that door and saw a faint light by Tony’s desk, but he also saw a faint silhouette which had to be Tony.

“Tony?” He asked hesitantly, not knowing if Tony knew it was him or not. He saw Tony mouth something before he realised he was probably talking to FRIDAY. Suddenly all the lights turned on, making Steve flinch and cover his eyes. What creeped him out though, was Tony’s expressionless face and the way he didn’t flinch. Tony stared at him silently.  
The glass doors opened slightly, making Steve jump in surprise. Tony kept staring as Steve slowly and carefully entered the lab. Trinkets, screws and large pieces of metal were scarred amongst the floor. Oil stains inked the walls, standing out against the whiteness. An iron man suit lay dismembered in the corner. Many more suits were in a glass case on the same wall. Although the room was a tip and it stunk of vodka, it was Tony that surprised him the most. He was sitting in at his desk, a hand holding his forehead, his elbows leaning on the table, in his other hand he held a bottle of vodka and every now and again he would take a swig. His eyes were red and puffy and his skin was sickly pale, his cheeks sunken in. He had blueprints and holograms in front of his and he had turned his staring to them. The hands were tapping the holograms fast and logically. Although he seemed to be busy doing work, it was obvious that Steve just being there was distracting him.

Steve made the selfish decision that he was going to wait until Tony spoke first. Mostly because he had no idea how to start the conversation and partly because he didn’t want to distract him further from his work. 

Steve wandered around the workshop he rarely got to see. He was in awe at the robots and machines everywhere. Even in Wakanda, where he and the rouges has been staying before being pardoned, didn’t look as futuristic. Well, that’s a slight exaggeration but everyone there is a genius, and this was one normal man called Tony. So ya, kinda impressive.

He strolled as casually as possible to one of the robots, which had a large claw and was beeping widely. It held a wrench which confused Steve. He tapped the head of the claw, seeing if he could get a reaction.

“Don’t touch the robot Rogers.” A stern, familiar voice sounded from behind him. Steve jumped in surprised and swiftly turned to face the man. Tony was now standing and glaring at Steve with a murderous look that would put natasha to shame. He was holding a screwdriver and had a piece of metal lying in front of him. He hair was a mess and his eyes were red and wide. Steve put his hands up in much surrender as he backed away from the robot. He turned his body completely to Tony and tried to smile a trustworthy smile. Unfortunately, it didn’t work.

“Why are you here? What do you want?” Tony questioned, his voice rough and croaky. Steve frowned at the thought that Tony knows why he’s here.

“I just wanted to check up on you, ya know? Make sure your ok.” Steve said, his voice going slightly higher than normal. A self deprecating smile settled on Tony’s face as he forced himself to walk closer to Steve but still stood quite far away from him.

“No, Rogers. Why are you really here?” Tony repeated his question, staring at Steve’s with a disappointed look. Steve let out a sad sigh and rubbed at his eyes, feeling a headache coming on.  
“Tony, I-Uh the team are concerned about you and, well, they-um they kinda feel like you’re shutting them out and ignoring them and-“  
He was cut off by Tony’s enraged look when he violently threw the screwdriver across the room. Steve froze in shock, even after years of knowing the man still being surprised by the rare violent reactions.

Steve nearly whimpered in fear as he watched the mechanic strut over to him, his hands clenching and and un-clenching at his sides. He walked right up to Steve, they stood toe to toe , they’re noses nearly touching. 

“Excuse me?” Tony began, nearly whispering the rhetorical question. Although he was whispering, it was scarier than anytime Tony had ever raise his voice. A quite Stark is a dangerous person.

“I think I have a right to be ignore them. Don’t you think so? I spilled my life story to you egotistical bastards. But no, I’m the dick because I don’t wanna see the pity looks or hear the jabs. Why should I stay in the same room as all the people who hate me, when I can be down here, alone but safe?”  
Steve gulped, trying to push away the lump in his throat.

“No-um- no we understand that Tony but they just wanna talk, we just want things to go back to how were before. When we were a team. When we were hero’s. Why can’t we just push this silly feud away and go back? You can’t just push us away whenever your upset. Just be mature about this.”  
Steve regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth at the sight of Tony’s betrayed look.

“Rogers, we are not a team! We’re not even hero’s! We’re just a bunch of men with guilty consciences trying to fix their mistakes. It is impossible to go to how it was and you fucking know that!” Tony scoffed and rubbed his eyes and turned away in frustration before he continued.  
“Stop believing that stupid, childish stuff Rogers. We will never be friends or a team ever again. Just give it up.”  
Tony started to walk away back to his deck. Steve resisted the urge to grab his arm and spoke up.  
“Tony please? We just want you to be comfortable around us and feel safe. We want you to be happy and a hero-“  
once again, Steve was cut off by Tony quickly spinning around.  
“There is no such thing.”  
He must have seen Steve’s baffled expression so he elaborated.  
“Have you ever met a happy hero? Have you? That’s because there is no such thing. I need you to understand that I am a lost cause and would prefer you leaving me in siberia to die over forgiving you and your ‘team’.”  
After the rant it was silent. Tony glanced only once at Steve as he went and sat back down his deck. Steve was still frozen to the spot. Tony grimly looked up at him and looked him in the eye and he whispered.  
“Just go Steven. Just leave.”  
The pleading tone took Steve by surprise but he shoved it away to leave the lab. His steps were slow and labered. The glass doors shut automatically behind him, shouting with a quote ‘thump’. He looked back to see a sight that broke his heart. Poor Tony, lying on his deck with the head buried in his arms. His body was shaking which showed he was obviously crying. He watched as Tony lifted his head, eyes still closed, and grip onto his hair, pulling and tugging. It looked almost like he was screaming in pain. And, guess he kinda was.”

Steve walked upstairs and decided to go to his room. The team were in there rooms, probably asleep, but Steve couldn’t sleep. He kept on thinking about Tony and everything he said.

Steve strolled towards his balcony, he grinned the railing and let the cold night air whip around him. He could feel tears dripping down his cheeks. And for once the world was silent. The kind of silent that bounced off walls and into your head, making you feel dizzy and sick. Steve had wished for silence his entire life and now that he’s got it, he realised how much he really loved Tony’s voice and the way he could crack a joke even in serious situations. How even on nights were he couldn’t sleep Tony was always there with hot chocolate and a movie. But that’s gone and now he’s left with memories that had more bitter moments than pleasant. But at least he’s got silence. Cold, calculating silence. Everything Tony had become.

 

“Have you ever met a happy hero? Have you? That’s because theres no such thing.”

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave comment!  
> I’d love constructive criticism but please don’t be too harsh.  
> I know my writing isn’t great but I’m trying my best.  
> Thank you.  
> Xx


End file.
